By The Spirits
by Simple-2-Blink
Summary: After the final battle was over and lives of many had been saved. Garrus is left to pick up the pieces in a world of new possibilities. EDI is no longer synthetic. Shepherd's decision to merge man and machine, some more obviously synthesized than others. Her sacrifice means a lot to Garrus and he's determined to make such a loss mean something. Post ME3/AU (All AI now organic)
1. Shepherd in the dark

**Shepard POV** _(intro: Alternate universe post Mass Effect 3, Femshep x Garrus)_

Blood covered my hand, the pain, nothing compared to the pain in my chest. The thought of leaving Garrus alone, pained me more than any physical wound. I stared at the three beams wondering, why me? Why did I have to choose? Why did I have to give up my life and hurt the ones I love most to save the lives of both innocent and otherwise?

So many questions, so few answers. The pain was slowly fading as my multiple cybernetics worked to fix the extensive damage. The choice was however just as difficult. I didn't want this to ever happen again, to any one. So destroying them was out. No one person or creature should have control of the reapers either so, that too, was out. I stared down the light at the center. I slowly limped towards the beam, I wished to speak with Garrus one more time, to kiss his lips one more time, or to feel the smooth warm plates of his cheek against my hand once more. But in the words of Mordin, it had to be me someone else might of gotten it wrong.

I paused at the edge before looking to the catalyst.

"Just one request?" I asked of him, my heart breaking knowing this was for the best.

"I can't in any way promise survival Shepherd, I thought of all the species to exist you would be more of a hero instead of..." The catalyst said with disgust and I cut him off mid-sentence.

"I'm not begging for my life... I just want someone to look after the one I love most, the one who drove me to achieve all that I have, because without him, I wouldnt be here. I'd have died back during my investigation of Saren."

The AI was silent for a very long moment. The expression on its face reminded me of EDI when she was trying to understand the concept of organics. I knew it didnt mean much given the circumstance but when it nodded, I felt braver and more satisfied than I had previously. If Garrus had a shot at surviving, I felt better.

 **Garrus POV**

I looked up from the floor my vision fading in and out as I looked up at the dead console. The crash had been rough but it looked like I made it without any serious injuries. My heart ached, wishing Jane had been able to come with. Leaving earth without her was the hardest thing I've ever done. I clambered to my feet, grabbing onto various things to steady myself. I touched my head, it was bleeding a little but nothing that wouldn't heal. I'll have t o thank Joker, hopefully his head doesn't get too much bigger. I made my way up one of the maintenance ducts to the CIC. I seen Tali poke her head out a moment later. I headed for the bridge to check on Joker. The Normandy had taken a few hits but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I gave a slight smile at the sight of Joker and EDI working away, trying to get linked to a comm buoys but it was all static. Joker sighed hitting the console in frustration. EDI then began typing furiously.

"Normandy, come in Normandy."

I rushed to the console to help clean up the message, but neither I or EDI could get it to clean up or allow an outgoing transmission. It must be pretty damaged from the crash.

"Normandy if you are out there... Earth is safe, the reapers are no longer a threat. We've lost Shepherd and Anderson. The Relays are destroyed. I am not certian what she did but, as always it's a miracle. The reapers are now assisting in the rebuild of the mass relays. God's speed.

I felt relieved and broken all at once. I felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned to see Liara. She pulled me into a hug. I had known deep down that someone like Jane, some one like her was never meant to remain here long.

I pulled myself together, I'd fall apart later when I was alone, for now we needed to focus on the unknown that laid ahead. Just then i heard a phrase from EDI I'd never heard from her before.

" ow". She lifted her hand from a sharp section of the console that was broken. A single drop of black ran down her grey metallic colored skin. No one had noticed, especially me. Thats when we all turned to Tali, the only other amoung our crew that relied on technology so much they could almost be considered synthetic. Tali pulled off her helmet. What had obviously been a breather for her helmet was now something new, much like black gills on her neck. Somehow, Shepherd had merged both organic and technology. It was amazing to finally see Tali, not in a helmet that is. Her big brown glassy eyes were fairly set into her head and went well with her smooth brown and grey skin, scaled much like the snakes that Jane had shown me vids of from earth. She had crests of scales on her head that were spiked up and almost black in color with a soft blue hue. Her nose was small and nearly flat against her face with smalll slits. Her mouth was full lipped and soft looking compared to my own and very similar to say, human or asari. Her tongue was unusually narrow compared to most species and split into a fork at the end. It was like meeting someone new.

Leave it to Vega as he whistled at Tali as he walked up.

"Heeeeellooo beautiful".

Tali blushed softly as they quietly discussed this new change. I missed so much in the beginning as my mind would wander back to Shepard, my chest began to ache. I rubbed my neck where two small half moons were permanently etched into my neck just above where my shoulder plates ended. My mate was gone...

I vowed then to protect these people, these friends, colleagues of her's the people she fought and died for. Though i had no idea how.


	2. When The Lights Go Down

That night was the hardest. I laid on my cot, unable to bring myself to go in her quarters after all the wound was fresh. I couldn't sleep, everytime i closed my eyes I could see her black hair cropped short, fresh out of her N7 helmet. Her crisp blue eyes that made my stomach drop the first time I'd seen her at the embassy. Her full lips, high cheek bones and soft full figure that I never could get enough of.

I knew from the moment i met her I'd follow her to the end of the galaxy. Here I am on an uncharted world, without her. I felt the sudden realization hit me like a freight train, she was never coming back. For the first time since i was a boy, I cried. I cried until sleep claimed me, thankfully, as we were going to set up a perimeter around the ship the following day.

I bolted upright from my cot hitting my already sore head on the lower axel of the Mako. It had been a poor place to put a cot but it was the only place i felt comfortable. Vega sat not far off with a smirk on his face and a wrench in his hand. He was crouched down laughing as he leaned on the wrench. I growled at him kicking the wrench out of his hand making him fall on his ass. I felt a little better but not much.

"Its you, me and williams setting up a perimeter. Joker and Edi are gonna work on getting the power back on."

"Why can't Liara go with you?" I grumbled as i needed to take stock of our armory and recalibrate the main gun to see if i can get it running independent from the Normandy's system.

"Because she needs to study the local terrain, flora and animal life to see if anything is edible so we don't, you know, STARVE." Vega retorted.

I resigned myself and crawled out of bed, Vega was right after all. I headed for the head. I splashed water on my face trying to wake up. I stared at myself for a long while in the mirror, something seemed different but i couldnt place it.

I headed for my locker pulling a t shirt on over my head then began to snap in my armor.

Vega and Williams stepped down the ramp ahead of me. I silently looked at the jungle like terrain around me. I glanced over at Joker and EDI taking a moment for themselves on the edge of the drop off which looked to drop down to a sandy beach and crystal clear waters.

For a moment i watched them hold one another, glad to be alive, glad to be together. I couldn't tell what they were talking about but it was obvious it wasnt a completely happy topic. They were just as close if not closer to Jane, they likely missed her as much as I did.

Joker and Jane had met just before the Normandy was commissioned applying to be part of the crew. Jane had told me once that Joker had been "upset" when he initially didn't get the position but "won" them over later by "convincing" a turian general. As far as I was aware, there was no convincing a turian general of anything. Jane had told me to ask Jeff if I really wanted to know the story. Maybe I will ask now that we are stuck here.

I looked around at the surplus of incredibly rich green trees, laced with various vines and equally thick lush brush. I couldn't imagine what the woods might hold. I nodded to Liara as she and Cortez headed off into the wall of green to study the area.

My omni blade was my best friend through the day as we cut down large brush and trees. We then set up a barricade around the ship to keep out most of the local wildlife and deter any inhabitants.

The second sun rose around mid afternoon as i relaxed and sucked down a tube of nutrient paste. It was nasty but it would keep my energy up. I sat under a big branched tree with leaves as big a I am tall. Under each leaf was a blue colored nut growing. Since we didn't know if anything was edible i just admired the unusual tree before Vega waved me over.

I sauntered over feeling rather raw but it would take time to bounce back.

"EDI got most of the power up and running but 2 of the 8 solar panels were damaged in the crash so we have to be conservative. We need to unpack the drill so we will have fresh water on the ship. Liara says its safe as well as most of the greenery. Anything neon colored, bites or has high levels of cyanide on its skin."

I nodded. "What can I and Tali eat?"

"Most of the plant life here is not dextro specific. So most of its edible how ever much of it is bitter" James spoke as we were carefully unpacking a drill. It was a large drum that inside was an automatic drill that would drill up to a mile under the surface for fresh water.

Since the water table wasn't THAT deep it wouldn't need to drill far. After the water is hooked up and a few of the crew were posted as look outs all that was left was to rebuild the Normandy and get home. After all Jeff had a sister to get to. My dad and sister would be on palaven, we all had family to try to find.

Tomorrow maybe I'll scope out the terrain and see what there were for natural elements.

Once the drill was locked in and primed we started it up, the little board of lights showed all green.

"How does it look on your end?" I said into my com.

"All green guys, looks good. We'll have hot showers tonight, the shifts will be posted in the mess hall, that will conserve electric, water and will figure in work details and guard duty" Joker said announcing it over all channels for everyone to hear.

In the following days I kept my self busy with helping rebuild the Normandy, it would certianly take months since materials we needed were hard to come by, hard to find or took forever to make. Vega would certainly make a good officer as he took the position as commander. Not one complaint rose,he was good at it and seemed to take it all in stride. He handled the stress, he would of made a great N7 soldier.


	3. I'm a Survivor

My heart started to beat out of my chest as i watched another reaper fall. They never stopped coming, they never ran out of ammo. All the people behind me fell, mowed down by a sea of bullets. I felt a crushing sorrow as I realized i couldn't save them all, so many had fallen. So many had suffered. Friends, family... Lovers.

I woke with a start my body aching, my chest on fire. I put my hand to my side that had been ripped open by shrapnel. I felt only dried blood. I carefully sat up the pain was immense. I looked around,trying to see where I was. Only massive tree trunks as far as the eye could see. The sheer size of them made me feel like an ant. Where the fuck was I and better yet why was I, no, how was i alive? I remembered stepping into the blue beam at the citadel. I could remember the blast of my biotics as I was held in the beam, then everything went dark. The catalyst had pretty much spelled out my demise. That's when i seen the blinking light on my omni tool. I unlocked it and a holo popped up.

"Shepherd, my calculations indicated that a biotic blast would give you a 20 percent chance of survival. The energy would be absorbed by the crucible and transport you to the citadels partner mass relay on a planet this cycle has yet to find and former home planet of the protheans..."

The protheans home planet? I looked around amazed for a plenty before turning back to the holo message.

"As long as your cybernetics didn't over load during synthesis, you didn't bleed out and hopefully the relay isn't in an ocean by now you have a better chance at survival to look after your mate yourself, if he survived. After all you are an original, shepherd, you suprised me. Best of luck, you'll need it, as the planet has been uninhibited for over 50,000 years and no other sentient beings exist there yet."

The holo vanished as i looked at the surrounding forest that was slowly growing dark. I stood up slowly, stiffness had taken over every joint in my body. How long had i been out? I looked at where i had laid, the flora was wilted and dying. So, forever it seemed .

Garrus, had he survived? Where was he now, trapped on some unknown world like me? What about the crew? Were they ok? I pushed all the unanswered questions from my mind, it didn't help any to worry. I slowly began to walk in the direction of the setting sun trying to shake off the stiffness and pain. After hours of walking the sun had set behind the horizion but another had begun to rise. I checked the clock on my omni tool, 0200. Hmm two suns, that's definitely different.

I finally breeched a thicket of brush and undergrowth to finally hit a clearing. On the very edge of the clearing was a small creek. I suddenly became aware of my undying thirst. I unfolded my emergency kit, standard in all alliance military clothing. Without my armor id definitely need it. A flat canteen was stuffed in the upper pocket. I unfolded it and attached a hook to it. I dipped it into the stream as it self filled and filtered any contaminants. Once full i chugged the water down. I sat there at the creeks edge for a moment as something in a pool of water caught my eye.

Me. My eyes now glowed blue. A line of subtle blue ran along my old scars. I gasped looking at my eyes i looked almost like the illusive man but somehow this seemed a little more organic. I touched the faint blue line, synthesis.

What else has changed? Who else had changed? It would be very interesting to see EDI and Tali and all the others again. Though that would likely never happen as getting off this planet would probably never happen unless there was a prothean derelict ship just hanging out. I dipped my canteen into the water and hooked it to my utility belt. I checked my sidearm and put my second to last heatsink in. I sheathed the weapon. I repacked my survival kit into the lower pocket of my torn remains of my uniform and armor.

I needed to find somewhere close by to hunker down. I could tell i was not up to par yet and had to take it slow, there was no reason to run myself ragged and no rush to get anywhere.

I made two rounds around the clearing finding only a potential tree that had a branch that had broken off leaving a hole in the trunk. I went to the stream and picked out a dozen sharp shards of rock and with the butt of my side arm pounded them into the soft bark of the tree. As i got higher up i used a small length of rope to lash myself to the tree so i could use both hands. As i reached the hollow i used my knife to carve away some of the dead interior. I made it a little bigger too as i sat on what had been a branch below the hollow and was broken off.

I cleared away old leaves and sticks. The sun was below the horizon when i finally crawled into my tree shelter. I settled myself against the back wall, the of me could of fit in my new shelter. I streched out and pulled my knife out and began to cut off melted chunks of armor that was now useless and only weighed me down.

Numerous chirps, sqeeks, howls and other wildlife sounds kept me on edge. Any one of them could be a preditor. Any one od them could be toxic, poisonous or dangerous. Tomorrow id certianly need to come up with a cover for the entrance.

I eventually relaxed a little and couldnt help but wonder where Garrus was. My chest ached painfully. If Garrus was here everything would be fine even if I never seen another person the rest of my life. When i closed my eyes I could almost still feel his hands on my skin. I could almost still feel his breath on my neck. I ran my hand over the uneven scar where he'd marked me. My body ached for him in every way. I wanted to feel his mouth on mine, his chest plates scraping over my breasts as we wrestled through the throes of passion.

I couldn't help the burning ache for him between thighs. His smell, the sound of his moans and subharmonics. I bit my lio and slid my hand below the elastic of my pants and underwear. I pressed my fingers into my depths and moaned softly, imagining it was him. I teased the little nerve bundle buried between my folds that lit my body on fire. I could almost hear him moan my name just as he had what seemed like days ago, according to my omni tool was over a week ago.

I dipped two fingers deeper inside my depths as my hips instinctively arched against my hand as i panted. I chewed at my lip and thrusted harder and faster gasping for breath and picturing him a top me. I moaned is name as i came hard, my fluids spilling over as i blissfully fell over my peak as if i had jumped and was falling hard. I panted trying to catch my breath.

I couldn't believe i just did that, ive never been so...aroused. Even now i felt like i could go again but sleep claimed me before i got too far. I dreamed about Garrus and i that night before we rushed the citadel. We had sex all night, if that was the last time we ever seen one another, it was a hell of a good bye.

I work the next day my pants were soaked from the dream id had. I climbed down and headed for the stream to go clean up. It was cold but nice to wash away the dried blood, and everything else. I idly wondered if maybe there was something wrong with me. I pulled on my omni tool as I waited for my clothes to dry.

I ran a scan through my omni tool watching it pull up my vitals. White blood cell count was up, respiration up and two heart beats? I smacked my omni tool, this synthesis thing must of jacked the readings up or something weird is going on with my omni tool.

Out of the corner of my eye i seen movements. I rolled onto my stomach, flat on the ground, pulling my side arm from the ground beside me. I carefully peered over the grass to see a small creature. It was covered in golden fur like feathers. It stood tall on two legs. It had short arms that seemed to be for foraging. I had to eat eventually and meats were usually safer than greens, i wish liara was here. I lined up the shot just as it spotted me. I slowly drew in my breath and carefully exhaled as i pulled the trigger. The animal dropped in an instant. I walked over to examine my kill, i picked up the small bird thing and went to the stream to rinse off the meat and field dress it (cut it up).

Just as i finished dressing the meat my clothes were dry, it felt awkward walking around naked but then again the planet was uninhabited, who was there to see?

I gathered some twigs and wood up and with stones from the river made a fire pit and lit up a nice fire. Within minutes i made a frame from wood to cook the meat on. It would be nice to have a hot meal, i was famished. 


	4. Once is never enough

(Garrus' point of view)

My legs swung freely over the right rear thruster of the Normandy. I bit into the crunchy, nut like shell of a local fruit as I watched the crew switch shifts. I spent a good amount of time on the thruster watching the crew. They had handled the crash and rebuild better than most. Everything Jane had touched bore her patience, compassion and strength. Together this team could do anything, she turned our weaknesses into strength, into passion. She made us into something better. Even without our fancy new upgrades, we became better just having known her. We were all now organic, we had gained a better understanding if our new "additions", but the Normandy crew knew better than most that what makes us different is what makes us strong.

I took another bite of fruit as I watched Edi help Vega with the Mako. Since the merge most technology didn't work quite the same. Edi struggled as she was now now organic. Everything self aware became organic. Liara said Edi even had DNA now! This actually was interesting as she now was dressing in N7 gear that I gave her from Jane's closet. That was a particularly hard day. Edi now also had to be careful now as she wasn't indestructible.

Liara had been studying extensively the new planet and the changes to us. anything that relied on technology has become something new. Everything was essentially organic now with its own unique dna. Basic technology still worked if it was combustion or mass effect driven. Everything else required charging or its battery replaced. It was as if the pulse sent out was of the crucible was an electromagnetic field of some kind but, I'm no Liara, we left the heavy thinking to her.

The last few weeks had been tough but we had been working hard on the Normandy trying to get her fixed. We were diligently working to get things functional. On top of everything I was still trying to get our main canon to work separately from the main drives to offer us some major defensive power but it had me frustrated and stumped. So I tried to just relax as I watched the perimeter as the new shift took over for the old shift.

I heard a loud clambering rumble that made me jump, my rifle at the ready. Edi and Vega roared with joy as they got the Mako up and running, rough, but running. I couldn't help the soft clattering of my mandibles, excited to see more of this rock than just this clearing.

I stuffed the remainder of the fruit in my mouth and grabbed my rifle. I slid down the side of the thruster landing on the one below it.

"Garrus", chirped my com as I covered the distance of the last thruster and slid off to the ground. Edi and Vega turned quickly at the sound of my solid landing.

" You got a little something right there ", Edi said as Vega was to busy laughing. I touched my face plates to discover, much to my chagrin, there was fruit juice all over my face. I wiped off my face on the sleeve of my casual dress shirt. I gave Vega a dirty look, then turned to Edi.

"I'll go grab Liara and Tali." I said turning on my heel and heading into the Normandy. I stopped at my locker and pulled out my armor. My chest was heavy as I looked at the chestplate remembering each gouge had a story and each of them involved Jane. I can still remember the feeling of complete disbelief when I spotted her signature N7 Serrice council armor. With its black base color and royal blue accents, it was one of a kind. I sighed as the pain in my chest burned. I tried to shake it off as I snapped each section of armor in to place. I tried to just focus on finding Liara, which shouldn't be too hard, she was either in the Lab or sleeping or both. I took the maintenance shaft, it preserved power and was shorter. My eyes covered the room quickly and spotted her at her desk, head down, asleep.

Carefully and quietly I put a hand on her shoulder. "Liara it's me Garrus", waking Liara had to be done carefully as my mandibles were still sore from the last time I woke her up, however last time I did scare her awake. This time I just gently shook her shoulder. After a few moments she swatted at me to go away.

" The broken old Mako from the bay is fixed... " That caused a flurry of motion from her as she jumped up and she took off to go get her armor.

A chuckle escaped me as my feet carried me back to the maintenance shaft to go get Tali who would surely be in engineering. Engineering had taken a bad blow when some trees tore hole in the hull to the left of the stations. we didn't lose anyone in engineering but a few were in the infirmary still healing. Tali has been the biggest help getting things to work, after all she did similar work on the flotilla. Tali was buried under a control panel working away as Adams handed her the things she needed.

"hey Tali", I shouted. A loud bang followed by a lot of cussing came from under the counsel.

"Garrus!" she said. It was tough getting used to seeing Tali in ordinary engineering overalls. Since the merge the technology she heavily relied on to keep out infection, breathe and otherwise survive now was part of her. Much like Liara's biotic amps were now genetically absorbed into her system to do what once took technology was now organically part of her. Tali's high cheek bones and big soft eyes, she was the second most beautiful creature I'd ever seen, just after Jane that is. The thought of Jane started the burning fire in my chest.

Tali climbed out from under the counsel rubbing her forehead.

"so what gives?" She said mimicking irritation.

"Edi and Vega got that old Mako working so Liara, Cortez, myself and ,Vega are heading out to do a little surveying" I said and no sooner had the words left my mouth Tali shouted "I'll go get my armor" and was out of sight.

"sorry for stealing her, why don't you take a break" I apologized for stealing Tali then headed for the maintenance shaft an climbed my way all the way back up to the CIC to head out the airlock.

Outside Liara and Tali were suited up. Edi was stomping off as I knew Vega was not about to let Edi come with just yet. She still needed to start training with her newly organic body and get familiar with combat situations as well as get an omni tool and armor for her. It was just too dangerous at the moment. She was also slowly acclimating to her new emotions and feelings too, it was a lot to handle. Joker seemed pretty good at calming her down though and they spent a lot of time together now, naturally as things could of ended up very differently.

We all piled into the old Mako. Thankfully the alliance found the Mako too old to fix and upgrade as it was all that was left in the docking bay. Both Kodiak's and the new hammerhead had been sent out to be fixed and/ or upgraded prior to Jane's escape from earth. My eyes fell to the floor as the thought of Jane came through my thoughts once again. I felt the weight of a hand my shoulder plate. I looked over to see Tali, I could feel her own sadness. Suddenly overwhelming guilt washed over me not once had I stopped to think about how much everyone else probably missed Shepherd too. The truck lurched took side to side as Cortez drove us over the massive dirt bank from when we crashed and onto the beach.

"Its just not the same without her" I said tightening my left arm plate. My eyes avoided the empty seat across from me, next to the door. The seat none of us could sit in. Tali gazed at the seat as if Shepherd was sitting there, all suited up in her armor, her hand on the bar over head. I closed my eyes and sighed. Of course everyone missed her but I missed her the most. Each day without her felt more dark and more bleak. Her being gone made me feel hollow as if she had resided in my chest. Now all that filled that space was the fire and pain that living with out her caused.

The beach was pretty much smooth traveling as Cortez drove along. there wasn't much for scenery except the giant trees and water.

"H-Hey guys... you have got to see this...", Cortez said after about an hour of travel as he leaned forward for a better view. We all got up to see and what we seen left us speechless. We then exited the Mako so see just what we found. Tali's mouth was slack in awe. Vega kept pointing at it to say something but only sounds came out of his mouth, he was speechless. I stood there looking at the team then back at the sight before us. A smile slowly crept over Liara's face.

"Guys we have found not just some empty planet... We found..."

OOC:

I hope everyone likes it. please review this is my first mass effect story so I'd love to know if I'm doing OK. I have strayed a little bit from total canon but you will see why soon enough. sorry about the grammer and spelling errors.


	5. Don't look back

(Shepherd's point of view)

My hands clutched my legs as I watched the small fire shoot embers at the stars they would never reach. My chin rested quietly on my knees. This meadow was pretty familiar to me now. The sounds were becoming more calming as I could bring to my mind the curious creatures that made the sounds. Mordin had taught me a few things about observing local indigenous species that would help me, should something like this happen. However, he was gone, I should of never let him go. He could have been on a beach studying sea shells or something. So many people in my life, gone. I could still see Anderson's slouched form next to me on the citadel. I could still hear Thane's last breath. I could smell the rotting bodies on the citadel pilled high. I could still feel the blood on my hands, sticky and warm. The aching hole in my chest would never be filled. That hole was a wound that would never be healed. The edges were torn and bloody; a constant burning ache that could rival every pain I've ever felt, all at once.

A single tear forced it's way out against my wishes. My body trembled with a new pain, one not inflicted by the physical injuries but by the pain of the heart. If only Garrus was here...

Tears streamed my face and wetted my tattered pants. I glanced up at the stars again wishing I had died instead of being dumped on an empty planet. Left to survive and live with the death and torture of my friends and family. The galaxy had always seemed full an yet sitting here knowing I was the only sentient being on this rock, I have never felt so alone.

As the tears subsided finally and the sobs gradually ebbed away, I rose. I used a wet stick to scatter the coals. then I poured my canteen on them to put out the fire then buried it in the sand surrounding the pit I'd dug to start the fire in. The nights were always the hardest. I missed Garrus and prayed to the spirits, the god, anyone who would listen to keep him safe, wherever he was.

I headed to my tree, I lifted the door I had created to keep the critters out. I had lashed some fallen branches and chunks of wood together with some vines. I then tied it above my hole with more vines. Once inside I took the little loop I left and attached it to a chunk of the opening so if the wind picked up it wouldn't get blown off.

I curled up, despite there being enough room to stretch out. the giant leaves I'd collected was a pretty forgiving mat. Several tanned animal fur pelts made a really warm blanket. My parents had taught me survival as a child by camping a few times a year, apparently it was something the people of earth did back in the 20th century. For my family it was about learning how to survive and not rely to heavily on technology. The N7 program also taught survival too. I was if nothing else resourceful, I was made this way by my family, by my colleagues and by everyone in my life. My mind flashed back...

 _His hands were firm as he showed me how to lash vines together._ _"I can't believe they never showed you how to build shelter in basic?!" he glanced at me side ways with those blue eyes that i always got lost in. I braided the materials together, shivering and soaked to the bone_. _I knew he was kidding I was just in no mood to put up with it._ _The rain just wouldn't stop. No wonder there was only this island on the entire planet. we were lucky enough to find it. I looked over at Killian as he finished his rope. His hands so sure and his bright blue eyes focused as his over grown black hair drooped into his face, heavy with rain. We had been sent to do a supply run to a nearby outpost when we ran into a debris field that punctured the hull. I had gotten Killian out after we crashed in the water._

 _We'd become fast friends since I was stationed on the citadel putting in my hours before heading to specialty training. So for the last 3 months Killian and I have been flying supplies out to a alliance post in a settlement out by the keppler verge._

 _I finished my rope and went into the forest, omni blade at the ready as I looked for a downed tree. I cut through the brush hurriedly so I could just get it and get back to camp. I froze in my steps trying my best to stop shivering to listen. I felt like something was following me._

 _"rawwwr", he yelled as he jumped out. It took all I had to NOT omni blade him in the face._

 _" stoooop... seriously stop it " I told him with my most serious angry face I could muster. aaannnd he just stood there and laughed. I sighed and shoved him in the mud._

 _"if you don't stop I might just tie a rock to your leg and they can retrieve you from the bottom of the ocean." I spotted a decent sized log for us to cut in half and make a decent shelter out of. The shelter was complete before dark, we curled up together for warmth that night._

The tears started up again, that was the last peaceful time we had as we waited to get picked up. I had lost Killian 6 months later as we helped defend a colony during the skyllian blitz, a breach of our defences from behind. He took out 15 batarians! before I could do anything, a grenade fell at his feet. I screamed through the comm but he just didn't see it. when he did he just looked up at me and said he was sorry. why would he say he was sorry? Why him and not me? He's the one who taught me to shoot as good a I can now.

So many lost, not just in this damn war but in my life time. Why them? Why not me? Why was I special? Why did I have to suffer? Mordin had said "anyone else might of gotten it wrong". I thought they were words to live by but when it comes down to brass tacks it really could of been, Williams. Hell, Anderson could of done it and those two were just of the top of my head. Instead I had to watch him and Samara die as we made the last run for the citadel beam. Good people, died because I couldn't protect them.

I tried to calm myself but it didn't work too well. Another face just kept popping up. My father's, he died on earth because I had to run around trying to get people to stop fighting one another... Allenko, she died because I couldn't save her in time. The list goes on, can I keep anyone in my life safe? I mean if I ever get off this rock... should I even find Garrus? Maybe his life will be safer without me? I could feel the hole in my chest constrict, the pain took my mind off the tears. As much as it hurt to think of it maybe it was for the best?

Each day ended and started and with out my permission, passed me by. I had managed to survey as far as I could without moving camp. After what I figured was about 3 weeks, it was time to move camp. My wounds were all healed, so I started to pack. I used my skins to wrap up my fishing net, my spear and some shale that I could use to climb another tree if I needed. I tied it up to fashion a back pack of sorts. I filled my canteen just in case. I followed the river as it would lead to more water, usually. If I'm going to find a town or city it will be by water more than likely.

Two days, many many miles passed following that river and I spotted it, perched on the horizon. The remains of a Prothean. As the second sun set my foot hit the first bit of pavement. The first I've seen since I got tossed on this waste of space and sorry excuse for a planet. The bugs were too big, the days were too hot, and I was fed up with being alone. I broke from the river and headed for one of the vine covered partially intact buildings. nature had pretty much reclaimed most things. Old round vehicles cluttered the streets, smashed, cut in half and others with large vegetation growing from them. the building looked like it had been built to last. other than the windows broken out and huge trees growing from beside it, it has survived remarkably well. most of the other buildings on the block weren't so lucky...

I was determined though, I mean call me old fashion but I wanted a bed.

OOC:

I hope you guys liked it. I wanted this chapter to give you a little peek at what Shepherd is feeling given everything she has been through. don't forget to review it helps!


	6. We go down together

"We are on the Prothean home world."

We all took in the vine covered sky scrapers, very few buildings were intact. Many were crumbling away, likely damaged during the invasion of the reapers. The ones that were intact had held up incredibly well considering their age. All the buildings were covered in vines as nature tried to reclaim what was once a thick forest.

"I'll be damned..." Vega finally spit out.

Once the shock wore off we hopped back into the Mako and Cortez took us closer for a better view not to mention there would be scrap we could salvage.

"I can't believe it!" Liara squealed. Both Tali and I have her a look. She sounded like a kid in a candy shoppe. I smiled and shook my head. At least one of us was having fun. It was nice to catch a break finally. If only Shepherd were here to see Liara so ecstatic. It would of really made her day.

I could still remember how excited she had been that night in her quarters... Her eyes of green glittered as she plopped down beside me. Everything had worked out just as well as she could of hoped, the Geth and Quarians were once again in harmony. Her arms wrapped around me as I sat on her couch. Her head found its way to my shoulder where my chest plate ended and my shoulder plate began. A quiet reverberation rolled through my chest and for the first time, she giggled. Then again I'd never seen a human consume as much alcohol as she had. Her and Tali had celebrated for many hours. I smiled down at her, I couldn't take my eyes off her. In All the years is been chasing her around the galaxy, never was she as happy as when her team succeeded. Especially when their dreams came true. It was as if all the weight was lifted from her shoulders.

"Hey hey we should go get Tali and see if she wants to learn an earth game?" She said excitedly.

"I don't think you will remember any of this tomorrow" I teased her.

"I'm-I-I'm Sober" she stuttered as she got up an shook her head at me.

"I'm gonna go get her." She said as she half swayed as she tried to walk, nearly going head first into the fish tank. I got up and scooped her up, she made a squeel like a Salarian in a Krogan's head lock.

"Janey, Tali is, uhhh sleeping..." I told her knowing full well she was passed out, upside down, on the chase in the starboard observatory.

She made a face that will be with me forever. She tried her brows and jutted out her lower lip. I laughed till I cried.

Everyone was too busy to notice the single tear slip from my eye. My hand swiped it away before anyone did. Everyone was bubbling excitedly at our fantastic luck and trying to look out and watch our approach. Vega cussed sourly as his head thumped the roof after we hit a particularly steep embankment.

"Not sure why you are upset there is nothing to damage up there..." I quipped.

"Shut up Valerian or I'm leaving your ass here" Vega grumbled.

Cortez stopped and smiled as he jumped out and stared up at the massive buildings. The rest of us piled out. I turned my comm on as Liara and Vega popped in their ear pieces and put on their helmets. There was no telling what we would find.

"Watch the truck Cortez just in case we need to make a hasty retreat." Vega said over comm as we pulled up our guns and headed into the most militarised building.

We headed as a group, I was on Vegas right flank as he took point and Tali pulled up the rear. We all watched the front door as we moved through a metal arch it howled and beeped scaring us all. Great, a metal detector. Liara double tapped it with her pistol, it made a few squelched beeps before dying out.

"nice reflexes, you killed a metal detector..." Vega teased with a smile.

"Can it Vega" she remarked.

"what's amazing is there is still power for it to have worked in the first place", she said. She was right though what energy source needed no refuelling and no fixing...

Vega motioned for us to move on. We attempted to enter the door but it was locked. Vega noticed a busted out window. We carefully entered the room. A black stain on the wall and a skeleton on the floor said it all. Papers scattered everywhere and turned to dust beneath our boots.

" Solar panels, the windows are solar panels that's why the power is still on... " Liara said as she finished examining the window. Vega and I were already sweeping the hallway.

"Oh my godess, a real Prothean skeleton, perfectly preserved for..." Liara started excitedly.

"stop, Liara, you gotta stop... we need to get in and out not stop every ten seconds to admire every skeleton and blood smear." Vega said a little to harsh. I could hear the tension in his voice, after all this was his first outing as captain.

"No need to be so harsh Vega", Tali snapped. Vega grumbled but said nothing more. We moved on through the building. One thing could be said about the Protheans is they didn't mess around. The building and everything in it was cut and dry. Everything had a purpose. No fancy art, statutes, no water fountains, no posters, no boards. Everything was very simplistic.

Tali had my arms full of weapons, scrap metal some of the things looked like. I felt like I was helping a female shop in a store. Besides the occasional pyjak and strange golden fur like feathered birds with short fore arms, there was nothing much to really be worried about. At least Vega wasn't being as uptight anymore.

We headed up another flight of stairs. We had cleared 6 floors already only 2 more to go. As we made it to the 7th floor and we all came face to face with something, carnivorous. The sleek black scaled predictor looked a little like a varren in structure. It had 6 eyes and made an ear piercing screech. it had 2 rows of razor blade like teeth. Something red dripped from its jowls and sizzled as it hit the floor. Vega brought his gun up to his shoulder to shoot and right before our very eyes it vanished. SHIT, that's not good. I slowly set the things I was holding, down. I grabbed for my rifle. We stood rooted in place as we tried to find it.

The thing was huge, how do you just loose something like that? Vega went flying through the air and hit the ground with a grunt. I pulled up my gun but couldn't see anything. "get it off! get it off!" he roared as the sizzle of the saliva hit his armor. I heard the resounding crunch of the creature trying to pop his head like a grape. it sounded like metal on metal. Just then brilliance hit, let's see if it was warmblooded, if so it should give off a heat signature. I pressed a switch and my score changed over to infrared. I pulled off 3 shots before it dropped.

"get it ooooffff", Vega screamed. it took all three of us to move the thing off. It was then we seen why Vega was so panicked. his helmet was crushed and was now melting away. He whipped off his helmet then peeled off the chest piece of his armor. He panted now that all the acid covered gear was off.

"Well that explains why Protheans had four eyes all with a double pupil... To see through this big guy's cloaking ability", Liara said with a smile as she slapped the scales of the large predator. Vega have her a long stare before looking over at me.

"Thanks Vakerian", he said with a relieved sigh. I nodded in acknowledgment. James peeled off the rest of the armor, which was useless without the chest piece as that was the part of his armor that locked the rest in.

"Let's get this done before one of his pals shows up " James said not looking quite so at ease. I picked up the things I had set down as we searched the remainder of the building. We cleared the 7th floor, picking up several good pieces of junk, according to Tali that is.

The 8th floor was a gold mine. A work shop for repairing Prothean vehicles with a ramp that led to the roof. Vega went and cleared the roof. Myself, Tali and Liara grabbed stuff we could use to fix the Normandy. Once my arms were full, I went to check on Vega. He stood on the edge of the building looking at a couple grey scaled herbivores browsing on some plants below. Vega put a cigarette between his lips and lit it. He took a long drag off it before exhaling.

"I thought you quit..." , I asked curiously, I never understood how breathing smoke could calm nerves or be addictive, I guess it was a human thing.

"Just started..." He said not taking his eyes off the scenery.

"where did you get them?", I queried

" I got em off Gunny the little jittery kid that works the night shift in engineering." he said still not looking at me.

"You promised Shepherd you would quit!" I said, after all if Jane wasn't here to worry about the team someone had to.

"Well look around! she's NOT here!" He yelled as his head whipped over to me.

"She's dead! an we are stuck on this Fucking rock in the middle of who the FUCK knows where!!" he said snarled. I could feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes.

"Let's go..." I said turning on my heel. I firmly told the girls it was time to go. They looked at each other and followed along as we headed back down, with out without Vega, fuck him. The tears burned red hot as I felt the warm moisture leak down my face plates. I could feel the pain and sorrow burn in my gut and leap into my throat as white hot fury. The tears dried up quickly, the anger just stayed and burned.

"Awesome you guys made it back in one piece... I was... worried... when..." Cortez said but upon seeing the anger written on my face as I passed him dumping the crap into the Mako. I jumped in and sat in my seat, fuming...


	7. One crack can shatter

The ride back was almost complete silence. Only the sounds of our loot was all that was heard as it clunked about. Anger boiled in my throat, I knew everyone could feel it. Liara kept glancing at me to make sure I hadn't imploded yet. Tali had her hand on my knee, meant as a reassurance that everything was OK. Nothing was even remotely OK. Jane had been gone only 32 days and the team was already cracking.

Vega wasn't nearly the perfect fit I had thought. He was crumbling under the pressure. That means someone had to be there when he scattered his tool box or lost some marbles as Williams had said once, what it means? I have no idea.

That means I need to get my head screwed on straight. I could still feel the white hot anger in my throat, but as Jane used to tell me anger never breeds results. I had to get my temper under control, I had to be there like Jane had been there for them in their time of need. An this was a time of need, I wasn't the only one grieving. We all lost a close friend, comrade and leader. We all lost someone when Jane died and I had to suck it up for them.

I painfully swallowed down the anger. I patted Tali's hand and nodded at her with a forced smile. I needed to stop avoiding the facts.

No one survived the citadel explosion, not even Jane. She was never coming back. The pain of losing such a strong, independent person was immense but I had to first feel the pain, experience the pain and grieve. Accepting she was gone was the first step. I had to protect everyone in the crew, she died to protect them. So that's what I needed to do, protect them when no one else would. Even if I'm just protecting them from themselves.

Any other crew would of fallen apart weeks ago. There would of been anarchy in any other crew, not Shepherd's, I'd make sure if it.

"James, regardless if... Shepherd is here or not. You should give those cigarettes back to Gunny. You owe it to yourself.", I said to him. Liara's eyes were wide as she looked over at James.

James didn't say anything he just turned away from us. I could never BE Jane but I could do my best. Sure I should of said something later, alone but honestly I don't know what else to say. However, Liara and Tali might, after all we are a team, we needed to work as one.

We arrived back at the Normandy. Cortez pulled up at the rear of the ship so we could unload the new equipment.

" Joker, garage door please ", he said speaking into the comm.

" coming right up! ",Joker said as the cargo bay door started to open a few minutes later.

Cortez parked the Mako to the left so he could get it running smoother. He left plenty of room for us to sort and unload everything.

I stepped out grabbing two items I'd picked out to try getting my console working better. As that could be why I'm having the problems I'm having to get that gun up and running. I set them down on a counter, then started helping the girls unload. James stomped off as soon as the hatch had opened.

Once everything had been unloaded I headed up toward the helm to have a word with Joker. On my way, Edi almost ran into me. She apologised and I remembered Shepherd's fish needed to be fed. Edi had been feeding them as I'd only been in there twice out of necessity.

" No, feed them yourself. "she snapped. I stepped back as she pretty much stomped off. These mood swings were getting to be a bit much. I blinked away my shock as I headed for the helm.

" Joker... what is wrong with Edi, now? ", I asked. Joker sat there with his right hand covering his face and sighed.

" I made a joke and she... I dunno, took it personally", he said.

"Yikes" was all I could say.

"well, I see your hands are full so... I'm gonna go" I said with a half chuckle.

"Lucky fucking turian" I believe is what he grumbled as I headed out. I chuckled to myself as I headed to the maintenance tunnel.

I stopped, staring at the galaxy map that flashed error on the big screen. I was avoiding what I knew had to be done... Togo needed to be fed along with those damned fish. Her and those damn fish... the bloody things might just kill me. Survive reaper invasion... killed by fish. Oh! hunt down a reaper fortified spectre and kill him... but died because of fish. I groaned inwardly and headed for Jane's quarters. I took my sweet time, which still turned out to be faster than the elevator.

I stood at the door as I had so many times before, mostly to feed those damn fish. Togo was cute at least, she named him after some kind of sandwich shop she liked. He was pretty friendly too... for a hamster. The fish she named them 'squishy' because of some retro vid called "Dorky" or "Doby" or something. I brushed off the thought and sighed as I punched in the pass code. The door slid into the wall in silence.

I stepped in, starting at the floor. The room carried more weight than I had expected. I had to get through this, I had to come to terms with, this, in some capacity at least.

I didn't want to look up. If I don't look up I won't see her perched upside down on her couch, trudging through reports as she tapped her feed on the wall. If I don't look up I won't see her cross legged at her desk, drowning in her N7 hoody, hair up in a lazy bun as she spoke to her mom over vid comm. If I don't look up I won't see her naked on her bed, hair spread out like a halo, beneath me.

If I don't look up maybe I won't cry. I felt the hot tears stream almost readily down my face. The crushing loneliness choked me. The absolute depressing reality was, she was never coming back. My armored knees hit the floor. The sobs of agonizing defeat racked me as I struggled to breath. I looked up finally.

I seen her sitting on her bed, wet hair hanging down her back as she pulled on her fatigues. I seen her on her belly on the floor, legs swinging freely in the air, hair wrapped around one finger as she went through reports. She was always so beautiful. Another sob racked my body as I tried to stifle it. I tried to look back at the floor but I could almost feel her soft hands in mine. I cried.

I'd never cried, not even when we lost my mother after she had my little sister. The loss of Jane was more than any kind of loss I had ever felt. More crushing them seeing my world in ruin. More heart breaking than losing my mom. More devastating than losing my crew, my brothers in arms, to the Blue Sun's dirty trick with Sidonis. How does one cope with a loss so complete it was as if a piece of my self had died on the citadel?


End file.
